I am working on something which for lack of a better word or due to laziness I will be calling a game although it will also answer to an interactive surrealist story or absurd text adventure and it lives inside my brain I've been told but is taking physical form on my computer. It involves a church that exists only as a liminal space dedicated to the Frog Squire, mailboxes, an altar to the Sacred Cucumber of Armenia and so on. One day it might even exist!

I feel safe to make this post in certain locations much like the Sacred Cucumber of Armenia while in his cocoon before he becomes Zhuang Zhou.

Paul is a monster that stands outside of my apartment. He wears a mohawk and GG Allin t-shirt that he ripped on purpose. Paul is unsure if the hair and shirt are a communication of his inner reality or just performative. His friends tell him punk rock is dead and he struggles with whether or not he is truly his authentic self until he's dragged into a courtroom in monster world and tried for being a poser which is a capital offense. Through the power of friendship, he realizes that the performance is a part of his authentic self and that the act of searching for authenticity is both authentic and inauthentic. He is found probably not guilty but definitely not innocent. The trial concluded months ago and now he stands outside of my sliding glass door with tentacles for eyeballs judging me. But I don't blame him because it's just who he is. Classic Paul, am I right?

It's been over 2 months since the stroke and that's not even kind of the thing on my mind right now. I have to go see a neurologist the day after tomorrow and I'm terrified of being in a car in the outside world due to the paralyzing agoraphobia and I'm being driven by a stranger in a ride service so there is not one iota of familiarity or safety involved. Everything is terrible.

Also, I've been on Mounjaro for a month. Tomorrow, I transition to the 5mg from the 2.5mg dose and I've been stupidly anxious about it because my mind is mostly alone so it has no one to reality check it and that just leads to catastrophizing like an ancient Greek prophet cursed to have no one heed her warnings. Only, mine aren't probably true. But you get it. Cassandra was always freaking out about something. My analogy (simile?) was terrible but I shan't edit it for my shame must needs be public record as a sort of exposure therapy. Oh, but yeah, the anxiety about upping the dose has something to do with hating feeling nauseas and maybe I will but who knows? It's dumb. I've been obsessively planning meals that prioritize protein which are just crazy nutrient-rich, small, smoothie-esque crap so I don't get all floppy skinned and I've lost weight cuz I'm eating as if I'm on the therapeutic dose in preparation for it. Because of course I have. I placebo'd myself. They should've just threatened to put me on it.

Been out of the hospital a few days. Spent 2 weeks in hospital beds getting veins deflated. Seriously! I'm covered in bruises.

Had a minor stroke. Which is insane, but here we are. I'm practicing typing because the coordination in my left hand is still very iffy. And I have to start back at work tomorrow which is nothing but typing. The connection between my brain and my hand is a shitty long distance phone call n 1982 from a payphone. Or just like trying to talk to anyone on a smartphone. Time for the good ol' brute force method. Tomorrow ain't gonna be fun. But I can kinda walk around my apartment just not for a long time. Got a walker like an old lady which I loathe. Anyway, just thought I'd do a little plattin'. My left hand is pretty rough. Not gonna lie, I'm a little worried about work. Life ain't a plat.

Everything feels kinda preverbal sometimes.

My whole entire back and left arm hurt so much I wanna chop it all off. I have a pinched nerve that won't stop pinching. Pain can make you depressed. I think that's true. Or it can alter your mood significantly in the negative direction. Prolonged dull aches are a form of torture devised by nature.

and I'm still making a thing and probably I'll always be making a thing but the thing is at this point right now and it's this thing when later in time it will be a different thing because when I change things they are no longer the same thing